


Help me obi Juan whoever the fuck you are.... You're my only ho

by amusewithaview



Series: Said the Hatter with a sigh, "It's always Tumblr time." [13]
Category: Thor (Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Flirting, Gratuitous French, Loss of Virginity, No Smut, Only Discussions of Smut and Smutty Activities, Open to Interpretation, The author's poor attempts at Gambit-speak, This is a pre-smut fic, Unresolved Sexual Tension, can be seen as pre-ship or aro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:41:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amusewithaview/pseuds/amusewithaview
Summary: “How would you, Remy LeBeau, feel about deviriginizing me, Darcy Lewis,” she said slowly and clearly.  “Rumor has it that you’re good at the sex thing.”He shut his eyes as if pained, muttering, “The sex thing,” in pure disbelief.





	1. “this is an sos from a helpless virgin (who doesn’t want to be a virgin anymore) to you, the most virile person i know. please teach me how all this works” au.

**Author's Note:**

> The title references an iconic tweet of Carrie Fisher's because I have a strange sense of humor.

On the one hand, this was going to be a genuine plea for assistance.  She really did want help and he really seemed like the best person to give it.  On the other hand, Darcy had a flare for drama that could, at times, be river deep and mountain high.  It was that dramatic bent that made her time her opening statement for when he was swallowing.

“How would you feel about devirginizing me?”

Remy choked, eyes going wide for a moment, then swallowed hard.  When it looked as if she was going to speak again, he held up a finger to silence her while he finished the rest of his drink in one long pull.  Finished, he set his tumbler down on the bar with a solid click, then turned to her.  He had a small smile on his face, humor in his eyes, and he was making a show of wiggling one finger in his ear as if to remove a blockage.  “My apologies, _cher_.  Could you repeat that?”

“How would you, Remy LeBeau, feel about deviriginizing me, Darcy Lewis,” she said slowly and clearly.  “Rumor has it that you’re good at the sex thing.”

He shut his eyes as if pained, muttering, “ _The sex thing_ ,” in pure disbelief.

“Yes!  Sex, coitus, lovemaking, schtuping, fuck - ”  She was silenced when he pressed his fingers to her lips.

“Y’want me to explain _les choux et les roses?_ ”

Darcy frowned down at her drink, rubbing her thumb over some of the condensation that had dripped down to the wood of the bar.  “I don’t need you to _explain_.  I have internet access.  I was kind of hoping for something a little more… hands-on?”  She looked up when she heard a soft curse.

Remy had his eyes shut tight and appeared to be muttering something to himself.  “You tryin’ to get me killed, _petite_?”  He chuckled, “Wolvie would kill me for even thinkin’ of touchin’ you.”

While it was true that the older mutant had had a soft spot for her since he’d gotten her out of a tight spot in Montreal, she didn’t really consider herself one of Logan’s girls - the man seemed to collect wide-eyed waifs and surrogate daughters like Tony collected classic cars.  She batted his words away with a huff, leaning towards him with bright eyes, “But you _have_ thought of it?”

“Remy’s got _eyes_ ,” he said, giving her a long look.

“And they’re lovely eyes,” she said impatiently, “but I’m more interested in your co - ”  Once again, there was a hand covering her mouth and once again, Remy looked like he was in pain.

“ _Merde_ ,” he sighed.  “Remy’s gon’ die.”

“So you’ll do it?  Well, _me_.  You’ll do - ”

“Yes,” he said.  “Now please, _stop talkin’._ ”

Now that she knew he would actually do this for her ( _to_ her), Darcy felt a weight lift from her shoulders.  She grinned up at him, “What, the great Gambit can dish it out but he can’t take it?”

“Oh, _cher_ ,” he chuckled and, just like that, it was like somebody had flicked a switch.  His posture loosened, his eyes went heavy-lidded and almost sleepy, and his voice - already borderline sinful when he was on his best behavior - practically _dripped_ wicked intent: “You’re playin’ wit’ fire, petite, and Remy’s more than happy to teach you how to _burn_.”


	2. “i thought you were literally the most innocent thing to ever exist but then you awkwardly ask me to teach you how to bang like a pro and holy hell what the fuck but now i’m really, really turned on” au.

Remy had not been sure what to expect when Darcy Lewis asked him out to get a drink with her.  They had a friendly rapport built over several joint missions and two rescues (one for each of them).  He flirted, she sassed, and it was all in good fun.  Truthfully, half of his comments seemed to go over her head.  It was funny to watch the Captain or the Soldier bristle at his words while she didn’t even seem to notice.  Funnier still to watch Wolvie alternate between scowling at him and his old comrades, not sure which truly had designs on his latest self-assigned charge.

She seemed nervous, frowning at her glass.  Remy decided to let her take her time, sipping at his whiskey while she gathered herself.

“How would you feel about devirginizing me?”

He choked.  When it looked as if she was going to speak again, he held up a finger to silence her while he finished his drink.  The burn was a good distraction from the eight different directions his mind was trying to take, none of them appropriate for the current setting and all of them hazardous to his health.  Composed once more, he turned to her with a smile, “My apologies, _cher_.  Could you repeat that?”

“How would you, Remy LeBeau, feel about deviriginizing me, Darcy Lewis,” she said, wearing the same faintly exasperated look she always had when Scott was being especially stubborn.  “Rumor has it that you’re good at the sex thing.”

“ _The sex thing_ ,” he repeated, because how could he not?

“Yes!  Sex, coitus, lovemaking, schtuping, fuck - ”

He covered her mouth with his hand because the only other option was kissing her to stem the flow of vulgar language.  Language that had his blood starting to heat.  Darcy Lewis was a beautiful woman, one he had never seriously thought about if only because her lack of interest had always seemed - no, it had always _been_ \- completely genuine.  It was that, more than anything, that had him second-guessing himself, because she couldn’t really want -

“Y’want me to explain _les choux et les roses?_ ” he asked.  It made slightly more sense.  Perhaps she had questions, needed something clarified.

She seemed to deflate at his words, slumping a little in her seat and looking younger than her age for a moment.  “I don’t need you to _explain_.”

Remy thanked all the gods.

“I have internet access,” she continued.

Briefly, he was struck with the image of Darcy watching porn.  Would she scowl at it, as she was scowling at him right this second?  Would she flush and sigh, biting her lip, in curiosity or wonder or -

“I was kind of hoping for something a little more… hands-on?”

The image of Darcy with her laptop was replaced with an image of Darcy with _him_.  In his bed, her hair spread over his pillow.  Darcy trying to _learn sex_ with the same meticulous attention to detail that she brought to her work.  Remy broke himself out of those thoughts with a soft oath, fists clenching on the edge of the bar as he forcibly dragged his mind back to the present and out of the realm of fantasy.

“You tryin’ to get me killed, _petite_?  Wolvie would kill me for even thinkin’ of touchin’ you.”  Then the soldiers would take his corpse to the Doctor for resurrection so they could kill him all over again, and after them would be a rather long line of even more would-be suitors, overprotective brother figures, and concerned friends ready and waiting to take him to task for taking advantage of sassy, _sweet_ Darcy.

“But you _have_ thought of it?” she asked, eyes bright and a smile starting to spread across her face.

More often, prior to this conversation, than he would have liked to admit, and he was certain that _after_ this conversation the thought would never be too far from his mind anytime she was nearby.  Darcy was lush: generously curved with round cheeks and full lips.  She was _made_ for touching and stroking, petting and pleasing.

“Remy’s got _eyes_ ,” he said, clenching his hands on the bar to keep himself from reaching out.  He didn’t think touching her again would be a good idea, not now that she’d opened this door of possibility.

“And they’re lovely eyes,” she said, making him smile reflexively because it was one of the first things she’d said when they’d first met.  “But I’m more interested in your co - ”

It was pure self-preservation that had him covering her mouth again, this time using his glove-covered palm to avoid skin-to-skin contact as much as possible.  She pushed his hand away and stared at him, expectant.

And he - 

He couldn’t think of any reason to deny her.

“ _Merde_ ,” he sighed.  “Remy’s gon’ die.”

Her whole face lit up, “So you’ll do it?  Well, me.  You’ll do - ”

If Logan didn’t kill him, her mouth would.

“Yes,” he said.  “Now please, _stop talkin’._ ”  He could sense her excitement and anticipation, his empathy opening up to her almost instinctively now that he had committed to being her teacher.

God help him.

Darcy was beaming, the slight gap in her front teeth utterly endearing.  “What, the great Gambit can dish it out but he can’t take it?”

He wondered, for a moment, if she truly was that naive.  If she hadn’t realized yet exactly what he’d been holding back, what _she_ had unleashed.  The gloves were off from here on out.  He had her full, explicit, permission.  She had asked him to teach her what he knew about ‘the sex thing.’

Remy intended to give her a _thorough_ education.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, love, loathe with the heat of a thousand spicy Cajun dishes? Let me know!


End file.
